As they entered the greater Phoenix area, the two support vehicles peeled away, and Kandude’s Escalade drove up to the Andalusian Bungalows and Resort of Scottsdale. The Old Woman, walking with that slight limp, led Kandude to a beautifully appointed bungalow surrounded by gardens of native plants. She told him to clean up and rest overnight. Laid out on the bed were Calvin Klein and Thom Browne apparel in his exact size.
The next morning the Old Woman, now in a Bohemian summer dress, came to Kandude’s door and beckoned him to follow. She led him to another nearby bungalow and ushered him in. A women turned to him from her laptop at the desk and Kandude beheld – oh what surprise – his beloved Cardoshia! They rushed to one another and embraced, blood rushing into their vital organs. Kandude, overwhelmed with joy and shock, asked “My dearest Cardoshia, what are you doing here and how on earth did you find me?”
Cardoshia told him that, as a successful influencer/entrepreneur on OnlyFans and other related platforms, she kept an eye on social media. “I saw viral reports that a Coyote Blanco had been caught bringing illegal immigrants across the border. Shortly afterwards, video clips showed up on TikTok. I recognized you immediately. It didn’t take long to track you down at Camp Maytag.”
As it turned out, the Old Woman was a seasoned community theater stage actor who had fallen on hard times. She had been able to make ends meet by conducting a niche coaching practice for retired Elephantican party officials and fundamentalist clergymen who had an affinity for traditional older woman types with strong disciplinary values. Cardoshia and the Old Woman met through online branding seminars and had become close friends.
The Old Woman, having gathered great wisdom and resourcefulness across her long and varied career, had become something of a mentor to Cardoshia. It was she who came up with the plan for deception and extraction of Kandude from Camp Maytag. Fortunately, because of her own talent and hard work, Cardoshia had been highly successful in her online enterprises before a certain setback and was easily able to finance the operation. Though she had quickly made a small fortune on OnlyFans, she was now fleeing California due to an unfortunate business situation.
Cardoshia begged Kandude to share all that had happened since his brutal and unjust eviction from Cha-Ching Manor. Kandude did so, ending with their esteemed Professor B being crushed under the monster truck. Cardoshia shed tears to learn of their ordeal and Professor B’s terrible fate. After ordering in a sumptuous brunch, she in turn regaled Kandude with her own journey in the wake of her father’s catastrophic business reversals and the evictions from and pillaging of Cha-Ching Manor.
“On the day of our eviction from Cha-Ching Manor, I was packing a few dozen suitcases even though I wasn’t sure where I was to go. Father had been carried away by the police. WifeX Tiffany Crystal P-M had decamped with her contingency plan, the modestly well-off but impotent banker. The staff had fled, salaries unpaid, from the band of lawyers and other thugs who were taking over and stripping the premises down to the bones.
A tall repossession agent came into her room and offered to help. “But soon enough, he was trying to help himself to my most intimate and closely guarded charms.” Cardoshia said. “I screamed and resisted, sustaining a cut on my firm but delicate backside when he pushed me against a full-length mirror hard enough to break it. The scar is still quite discernable.”
“Ah! I hope I shall see it,” said honest Kandude.
“I think it likely,” said Cardoshia, “but first let me continue. Just as the agent had penetrated my last defenses and was taking triumphant possessory actions, the Venture Capitalist who had destroyed my father’s empire arrived. Outraged to find the agent encroaching on his assets, he grabbed a vintage brass Stiffel lamp and bashed him over the head.”
“Venture Capitalist Stepford Winbuckawizc, after closely examining me, especially my injured region, to make sure that I was alright, immediately offered me a job as an au pair at his winter home in Newport. I was flown out to the mansion on the beach in his private jet. Soon after liquidating father’s assets, Winbuckawizc arrived at the mansion to instruct me on my childcare duties. Unfortunately, it happened that he was far more interested in my intimate charms than in my childcare skills. But day by day, week by week, I was able to protect both my tenuous refuge at the mansion and my virtue. I was aided in this dilatory strategy by the fact that his three children adored me, and I them.”
Cardoshia continued her story. “Knowing I needed an exit plan, but still without any resources of my own, I gained access to a MacBook Pro. Working late into the night in my private room above the carriage house, I launched my OnlyFans site. Soon I was making major bank using a variety of creative online personae. One night, sensing that VC Winbuckawizc was feverish to consummate a short-term capital gain, I snuck out of the mansion with the MacBook Pro and a change of underwear and Ubered down to Laguna Beach, where an appreciative fan had offered me a place to conduct my business, charging me very favorable rent.
Unfortunately, my erstwhile fan, a man named Bogdan whose last name was never spoken, locked me in a windowless room and forced me to be more aggressive in the scope of my creative content as well as my pricing strategy. He took over the payment transactions and tried to tap into my significant savings, which effort I was able to thwart due to AES-256 encryption and his reluctance to damage the goods. This is about the time you popped up on social media as the mysterious Coyote Blanco. Using private DM with my one true friend, the Old Woman, I was able with her help to escape. We came here to Scottsdale and hatched the plot to extract you from Camp Maytag.”
Kandude was amazed and distressed to learn of Cardoshia’s hardships, but heartened by her significant adaptive skills and their joyous reunion. He thanked her effusively for his rescue and pledged from that moment on to help her in any way possible.
Just as they were finishing their sumptuous brunch and basking in the warmth of felicitous reunion, the door burst open, and a thickset Slavic-looking man with a dense black beard stormed in, in a clear state of agitation. “It’s Bogdan,” cried Cardoshia.
“You little vixen,” Bogdan said to Cardoshia. “You think you can run out on me?” Ignoring the apparent prepster Kandude, he rushed at Cardoshia, grasping her roughly around the neck as she jumped up and tried to escape. Kandude, though by disposition a gentle fellow, sprang up and delivered a crushing blow to Bogdan’s right kidney. As Bogdan arched backward and spun around from the force of the blow, Kandude struck him again, this time in the jaw with a powerful left hook. Bogdan crashed to the floor like a Douglas fir in a Weyerhaeuser plantation. Kandude put a foot on the stunned savage’s throat.
“Don’t kill him!” cried Cardoshia. “Then we will have both the Bulgarians and the law after us. Now what to do? Bogdan has very unpleasant friends, and he is sure to have let them know he has found us.”
“If only Professor B had not been crushed under the monster truck,” said Kandude. “He would give us the best of counsel. But let us ask the Old Woman, for she is certainly very wise.” The Old Woman appeared at that moment, having heard the ruckus from the garden where she was reading a book of translated poems by Kishwar Naheed. Looking down at the unconscious Bogdan, she said, “this is an unfortunate development, for Bogdan’s Bulgarian friends are a nasty bunch, and surely he is not here alone. They will be on our trail like rabid wolves. Grab the laptop and your toothbrushes and, sorry for the mixed carnivores, let’s exit pursued by a bear.”